#Brownface

It has been an extremely long time since I have written jack-all here. I have the Prime Minister to thank, I guess, for doing something so dumb that it compelled me to write #thanksJT.

Look. Many people have been asking me if I am offended by #brownface. In fact, I am not. Why? Well. Frankly, everyone I know wants to be brown. Everyone I know, wishes they didn’t burn to a crisp in the sun. EVERYONE I KNOW wants to love Indian food. So ya, it didn’t surprise me that another person pretended to be brown when they were not.

That said, I think the Prime Minister is a giant douche and a hypocrite so it offends me a bit that HE pretended to be brown only because Indian people have a pact that only the smartest in the world are allowed to be brown or pretend to be brown. The PM does not pass the test.

#Trudno

However, I saw one thing in all the hoopla that did give me pause and sorrow.

Like many brown people, I experienced racism growing up. We lived in a very Italian neighbourhood and even though its stupid, even minorities pick on each other. My siblings and I were mildly harassed as were my parents.

The most vivid memory I have is of a girl following me around the playground asking me if I rubbed my own shit on my face and that’s why I am brown. It actually took me years to forget the memory and it all came back when I saw this:

I have a great dislike for having beaver kick dirt on someone’s face illustrated as the same as someone rubbing brown paint on their face to pretend your from a certain race. If the logic is hard to follow, the conclusion here is that becoming brown is also achieved by someone kicking dirt on your face. Your face is dirty because you’re brown and the dirt is brown. So, is being brown dirty? Is your face dirty?

Does this bother you?

I emailed the Buffalo Times who released the image with the following statement:

Good evening,
My name is Ruth Shaw. I am writing to you to voice my concern over a political cartoon you posted on your website in response to Justin Trudeau’s brownface revelation.
A little bit of context: I am not a subscriber to PC culture so what I am about to say is not from the position of someone who is overly sensitive or who is overly prone to yelling out ‘that’s racist, that’s ableist, etc etc’ at every turn. I very much value free speech and as you can see below, I run a rather controversial operation in Canada.
As someone who is regularly involved in controversial situations, I was not overly offended by the Prime Minister’s depiction of brownface. Everyone I know wants to be brown. 
Your cartoon, however, deeply offended me. You depict a beaver shitting on the face of a Prime Minister who was depicting a brown person. Ergo, you are equating shitting on someone’s face with being brown. Are you aware that this is a commonly used racial slur against people of color? In this case, I do not feel the Prime Minister has perpetuated racism, but you have. 
I believe in free speech and as such will not suggest you take it down. Please care to do your research before you post such a racially charged put down of people with a certain skin color in the future. 

Thank you.

We cannot be offended by everything and being offended is ultimately a choice. I really think that if you have not experienced racism you have a very hard time understanding the problem with a cartoon like that.

You may not understand it and I am glad you don’t. I think those of us who have experienced it have a responsibility to inform responsibly- not in an overly PC manner or perpetuate cancel culture but just in a calm, educational fashion, y’all.

To the babies we’ll never forget.

The month of May is always a strange time for me. It’s not even as though some specific event occurs in the moment. As I get older and experience it every year, the more I am convinced an unconscious body memory is triggered. Most of the time, it revolves around Mother’s Day.

This year, I found myself tense about something unseen. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t quite grasp at why my jaw was clenched and why I felt sort of numb. As I prayed and surrendered the strangeness to the Lord, something came to mind.

I was adopted. Mother’s Day is always a bit strange. In the past, I use to be filled with angst thinking about my bio mom and where she was, did she remember me? Was she thinking about me too? It’s been a yearly process of grieving something I don’t even remember, something that.. slipped through my grasp.. and yet, something in my body knew.

In the last couple of years, I have found alot more peace in my adoption. A year ago, I had someone pray for me for healing and they had an image come to mind of God with me as my bio mom delivered me. It healed this part of me that thought I was alone, forgotten, someone who messed up someone’s life. Having been born in an orphanage and passed around a few times, these are the kinds of things you wonder about as an adult. What exactly happened? You know?

• 

But back to this year. This year, I had no conscious angst or thought about her till I started praying about my tenseness.

Here is what came to mind immediately:

she cannot forget you. you cannot forget her.

Research has shown that the biological link between a mother and her pre-born child is far more vast than we have understood so far. It indicates that during pregnancy, a mother and her child share cells and the child receives cells that date back to when her grandmother carried her mother.

If it’s true, which it makes sense that it is, there is no way we are forgotten by our mothers.

There is no way we forget the children we have lost through miscarriage.

There is no way you forget the child you aborted.

There is no way you will ever be forgotten, even if you are estranged from your mom. Not by God. Not by anyone.

There is no way children will ever be forgotten or truly lost. There is no way. There is no way.

We are carried forever, and we carry them forever. Even if our memories fade, our bodies will always remember the ones we love even if it was for the shortest time.

What a gift. What a sacrifice.

Let’s revisit notions of child abuse.

can’t stop thinking about this, so I thought a visual was best. If transgenderism is really child abuse, why is no-one talking about taking these children away from their parents? Is it because its too uncomfortable to admit now that the philosophy has been pushed so much as acceptable?
In order to preserve the –is it pride?– of the left, children are the ones who continue to suffer. Foster children are taken away from good parents because they told them the truth, while other children are kept in abusive environments because it would make everyone too uncomfortable to suggest that maybe some things are just not okay, and harmful.Perhaps because to do so someone would have to admit that there is good and bad, and not everything is a fluid grey mass of unclear, unsure ideologies?
It is uncomfortable to expose the growing hypocrisies of the liberal now mainstream ideologies of our society. When we allow destructive people to decide what harm is, destructive things happen. Good people are punished, and harmful people are praised. And those who suffer the most are usually the vulnerable.
Despite article after article being written on the harms of transgenderism being made available to children, there has not been a single suggestion so far that perhaps the children who are exposed to the abuse of the philosophy should be removed from the home. However, parents who teach a value system in accordance with a non-violent religion, who tell their children the truth about Santa or the Easter Bunny have their children taken away from them. It’s backwards and disgusting.
Here are two articles regarding transgenderism and child abuse, there are many more:
https://www.acpeds.org/…/pos…/gender-ideology-harms-children
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/…/transgen…/article16897043/

      

It’s time we had some real talk about postpartum mood disorders.

Yesterday, I read about the tragic death of a fellow mama in BC. It broke my heart to read her story and watch the footage of where she was last seen alive. And so at 2 am last night after I fed my own new babe, I lay awake thinking about her little family that she left behind. Her little one, her husband, her parents.

Postpartum issues have only recently started to be discussed as a normal occurrence. Slowly but surely, the days of seeing article after article of postpartum women basking in the glow of their newborn (read: vernix)  are being replaced with real talk about the real hormonal foul play that occurs and is frightening.

Don’t get me wrong. After the recent birth of my son, Micah, I experienced the glow that I didn’t have with my first. So, I’m by no means saying that everyone is depressed after they give birth. No. If you are not depressed, anxious, ragey, or anything ‘off the scales’, I’m wickedly happy for you and I experienced that too this time. It was awesome and that should be talked about too because moms need to hear the good stuff.

But as is pretty typical in life, it’s really easy to talk about the good stuff. The good times. Our culture thrives on it, in fact. And therefore, in a culture that cultivates norms of ‘quick fixes’, convenience, pain-masking, pain surpressing, hard times rejecting, expectations of constant marital bliss, isolating motherhood, Pinterest motherhood, passive fatherhood, discipline free = pain-free childhoods, kale (i just threw that one in there for good measure..), and ‘my child is gonna die if I look away’ attitudes, talking about how some women may not be blissful postpartum just sounds wrong and awful. It sounds like someone should call CAS (cause that’s what we do now right?).

So not only does a mother have to battle her own feelings, she also has to battle a culture that she perceives as judgemental, not supportive. Not open to her. Not catching her. Not there to help her. She can’t readily go next door and expect a warm smile, coffee and a cookie. And in the midst of her confusion, hormones, sleep deprivation and being a human feed bag, she confronts a culture that has isolated its mothers and put enormous pressure on them to be happy regardless.

Recently, in a conversation with some other moms about postpartum issues, we talked about how if even one person said out loud in a public forum that they experienced a type of darkness after birth that was real, frightening, and cultivated wildly terrifying thoughts of danger and harm, moms would feel more comfortable talking about their issues. 

At the time, during that conversation, my resolve to be open if it happened to me this time (i was not open when it happened to me with my first and I regret it), was pretty high. But as is not surprising, in the past couple weeks I experienced some of the darkness and it was very difficult to say nary a word.  Now that I’m through it, I feel compelled to say out loud what I could not then in case it helps you, mama. And I hope it does. So here goes:

For me, my depression and anxiety was sparked a 6 weeks. I was flyin’ high till then, back to a regular schedule of life at 4 weeks pp. I was doing school drop-off, errands, house cleaning, hosting people, making dinner and loving life. At around 6 weeks, we took on some extra things (some intentionally, others not) and I got overwhelmed when I tried to kick it into high gear to get through. I thought to myself, ‘ I’ve been feeling great, i’ll just take a day to rest with the baby and i’ll be fine.’

I was not fine. My mood started to slip, and I became very very very tired. I started  having strong images of running away and what it would take to accomplish that. I started having feelings of detachment from my sons. I started isolating myself from people I know who love me who I could call in a heartbeat. I started crying alone in the bathroom, telling myself I was alone. I started physically curling my body into a ball in my bed, on the couch.. under any blanket I could find and cry. I struggled to tell anyone, even my husband. I picked up the phone to call a friend in a moment of courage and when she didn’t answer I wept and let it confirm everything that I knew to be true in that moment: I am alone. I want to leave. I need to leave. I need to buy formula. I need to write a note. I need to go. I need to go. I need to go.

I was lucky in that the darkness while real was not consistent. Often I would feel better if I slept for a couple hours. There was solace in that. 

During one of my crying episodes in the bathroom, my husband came in and sat with me. And I couldn’t say a lot but I was able to say: “I don’t think i’m okay”. And then he asked me 50 billion questions because it was easier to say “Yes” or “no” then “I want to run away from you and the kids, noone loves me, part of me wishes I was dead already.”

Thankfully this conversation led to greater support for me from him- he would call me every day to ask me how I was doing till I could see my midwife in person. When I saw her, she called my doctor right away and made me an appointment for the following day. She told me to sleep, slow down, eat better, drink more water and basically act like I just had a baby.

In another moment, as tears streamed down my face, I was somehow able to voice to another mama that I was feeling terrifyingly alone and that I didn’t know how many steps lay between me and doing something that had permanent consequences. She told me she had had a similar experience and that I needed to talk to a doctor,

This was my darkness that gripped me.

I promise you, if you say it out loud, the darkness gripping you will lose some power. Maybe it won’t go away completely, you still probably need to seek help, but it will lose some. Some of those powerful feelings of isolation you are having will lose what feels like a strong foundation and you can grip to something else: hope. Even if you can for a moment. 

I want to leave you with 3 action items:

1. If you are experiencing any of what I just described please talk to someone. Believe me that you are loved even if it doesn’t feel like it. Find a moment of light if you can.

2. If you are pregnant or going to give birth soon, have a real conversation with your partner or supportive people in your life about Post pardum issues and what to look out for. My husband and I did this and I wish we had read more things together on what to look for as oppose to a general conversation before I gave birth. You may not be aware when the darkness is gripping you, so they really need to be. do the same with your medical caregiver.

3. If you are a mama who has experienced postpartum anxiety/depression/rage, I am asking that you please consider commenting below with your experience.

You have no idea who you may be helping or impacting today, who you may be saving. We aren’t all living side by side anymore, mothering together, doing life together where these things may become obvious. so i’m asking you today:

will you put your heart out there today, for the sake of the one beside you in the trenches?

When will we start talking postpartum mood disorders seriously?

4/5: Being Present

I’m not one for cheesy lines or jokes. I cringe often internally (and externally) when people say them. The  subversively annoying thing about cheesy jokes, is that they always contain a nugget of truth. And often the truth is so obvious that you don’t feel the need to hear about it, especially when it’s wrapped up in some kind of Mickey-Mouse type body language of a huge wink, a massive thumbs up and an enormous smile that is dripping with sentiments of “oh, let me tell you!”

No. I certainly do my best to avoid cheese (haha, literally and figurtively..#irony #DifferentTopic)

To me, one of the cheesiest lines in the whole world is, “your presence is presents enough”. And, unfortunately and fortunately, It is one of the cheesiest yet truest sayings I have ever heard. Because really ,that is what this journey of walking with friends in tough times is about: being present, being available, giving of yourself in some way to show your love.

In my last 3  blog posts, I talked about very specific ways you can be present to your friend during this time of sadness and confusion. Like I’ve also mentioned in all three, there is no cookie cutter mould for grief. There is no cookie cutter mould for what someone may or may not like, and there is no perfect friend. All anyone can do is their very best, have a willing heart, and love like no one’s business.

One of the biggest aspects of being present to someone is to just allow them to be where they are at. I remember there were several instances during my intense grief period where I just cried. I cried all the time at Church, I cried at the store, I cried at home, I cried every time I hugged my son. It was an emotional time, with alot of irrational feelings and ideas. Everything mattered to me, and some of what mattered, didn’t make sense.

Some of the most wonderful people in my life simply allowed me to cry when I needed to cry, even though it probably made no sense to them. When others thought I should be passed the allotted grieving time, they were there …letting me cry. Never before had I felt myself feel so empty and yet so full at the same time.

As I’m sure many of you know, readers, sometimes words are not necessary. Sometimes touch is not necessary. Sometimes gifts are not necessary.

Sometimes it is simply the loving presence of someone being willing to sit with you and, if even for a moment, shoulder the burden you are carrying. 

And sometimes, dear griever, it is immeasurably hard to share your burden with someone else. I promise you, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment, letting someone who loves you into the depths of the darkness can create even just a peephole of light and love in your heart.

Jesus, who even if you are not a believer you could probably admit was a noble person, carried the heaviest burden. And even He knew he couldn’t shoulder it alone.

Go and be present to someone today!

 

3/5: Becoming a Resource

When developing any skill, you have to build up your knowledge. You have to do research. It is no different when it comes to miscarriage. No, you certainly cannot research how to be a good friend because there is no concise formula, but gaining knowledge in an area that affects such a large number of the population will automatically make you a more empathetic, caring, and thoughtful individual.

There are two main fruits that come as a result of you gaining knowledge:

1.Understanding life situations better will make you a better person.

I’ve mentioned in both my past two articles that miscarriage is not talked about regularly. Slowly the tide is turning to acknowledge the hidden grief of so many women all over the world. Because it is so hidden, any information you can gather is helpful both for yourself and your friend. Knowledge is key and empowers you to help others more effectively.

2.Do what your friend cannot

Sometimes when people are grieving, it is hard to suddenly have to do research. I remember how overwhelming it was to have to suddenly look up grave site plots, costs, or ways to salvage etc. I didn’t want to and I was emotionally spent. I was so grateful for those in my life who took on some of these challenges for me.

Overall, I have found that there are not very many good resources on the Internet for preparing you for either having a miscarriage or helping someone through the experience, but these are a few gems: 

1.This article is a Catholic resource to help girls through miscarriage, but it is useful for those of you who are not religious. It is very practical (blunt, as well, so read at your own pace). More useful for miscarriages that occur around 3 months, but not all of it.

http://www.catholicmiscarriagesupport.com/practical/the-physical-process/expectant-management/

2.oneplace.com (Focus on the Family) has a very, very good series of talks on miscarriage that address the grief of the father (something that is talked about even less), as well as some practical ideas for grieving miscarriage.

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/family-talk/player/miscarriage-grieving-the-loss-i-184871.html

3. This is a good summary, short to the point and covers the basics of how to be supportive.

4.This article is more detailed and graphic so proceed with caution. This is an important read as it covers what actually happens during a miscarriage- what your friend is going to see. Not many articles do which makes this one particularly valuable.

5. Also a Catholic resource, this is an excellent podcast on finding healing after miscarriage.

6. Consider talking to a friend who has had a miscarriage, so you can gain a better understanding of what the experience is like, what your friend might be experiencing, and what other women have found helpful/not helpful.

All of these resources have been helpful in my life for both the people in my life, and myself (alot of winning..) and I hope they do the same for you.

 

 

2/5: How to Walk with a Friend through Miscarriage

(A continuation of my series How to Walk with a Friend through Miscarriage. Click here for previous post)

How to Give:

This is not about perfection. A good friend was reminding me this weekend that being a good friend is as much the responsibility of the giver as it is of the receiver. This is about love.This is about getting us out of a place of believing there is nothing we can do for our friends who miscarry. In loving relationships, mistakes are made and that is okay.When learning how to give thoughtfully, it is really about doing your best to be intentional, proactive and having a willing spirit. I cannot stress enough: This is not about perfection.

There are so many different ways to give of yourself. Be willing to evaluate truly if there is something you might be able to give (responsibly) in any situation. This is not black and white- no one can tell you exactly how much to give or what to give. But simply even the thought of trying to be more thoughtful will likely make you more thoughtful.

When I was going through my own miscarriage, a good friend reminded me that friends often play different roles in your life, and maybe play different roles in being supportive. Ask yourself:

Can I be the friend who checks in?

Can I be the friend who visits?

Can I be the friend who sends a card or gift through the mail?

Can I be the friend who brings food?

If nothing else, consider contacting them to say, “I am thinking of you and I love you. i wish I could do more but my circumstances are preventing me from doing so. I am praying for you.” Technology has made it possible to connect easily even in long-distance relationships. If this is what you can give, give it.

Three guiding principle as you read on:

1.Ask the person. Some people don’t like some of the things I’ve listed because of smells, or allergies etc etc.  All fine, all preference.

2.People grieve so differently. I know moms who have grieved for a few days very hard over the loss of their baby, and other moms who grieved hard for years, and some moms who were in shock at the time and are only grieving now. There is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you do so. Become a good listener, encourage your friend to grieve, and give them the freedom to do so. This is not about a cookie cutter mold, this is about love.

3. I read somewhere once that it would change the world if we said more of the things out loud that we feel inside- and I don’t mean the negative things, I mean the positive things. Say something. Too many times we ere on the side of saying nothing at all out of fear of not saying the right thing. Chances are that you won’t get it right all the time, but if what you want to say is loving and uplifting (if you aren’t sure, run it by someone), say it. say it. say it.

What to Give:

A good rule of thumb: Ask them if there is somethings specific they want. If they say no (maybe because they are tired, not sure, can’t think, exhausted etc etc), still show up with something- a treat, some snacks, a card, flowers maybe.. a little token of love and support.

The Stop & Drop: Some people need a lot of space during hard times. If that is the case, consider picking up a bag of goodies or a meal, and dropping it at their house without visiting. (a personal fav for giving & receiving)

Meals: Generally, any food during this time is helpful especially if there are other children in the family. Meals, snacks, treats.. all wonderful. (personal fav: snacks from Farm Boy)

Visits: Really depends on the person. Ask ,or better yet ask their husband/partner. If you do visit, do the dishes or something helpful if you can.

Bath items: During miscarriage, your stomach muscles become sore. This is because your uterus is pushing a baby out. It doesn’t really matter how small the baby is.. you are still sore. Bubble bath, epson salts, muscle soaks..all good 🙂

Offer Childcare: This was immeasurably helpful for us so that both my husband and I could rest. Offer your services if you can. One incredible friend we had stayed over night one night so that my husband could sleep in. 

Offer Errand Pick-ups: Maybe they  need groceries, or other things. Huge help if this is something you can give.

Prayer: If you are a Christian, offering to pray with someone in the absence of knowing what to say is beautiful.

Send love through the mail: 

One very generous and sneaky person mailed me a fruit basket and I have no idea who it was. What a beautiful way of giving selflessly. This person didn’t need affirmation or thanks. They simply wanted to give.  (ps. tell me who you are already).

I am still blown away by this thoughtful action. I belong to a wonderful online mom’s group. I told them about my miscarriage, and the admins took it upon themselves to ask as many girls as possible to mail me a card. I was so touched. I cried as I opened every single one.

Memory Tokens:

Here are some photos of the beautiful memory tokens we have: 

Many mothers want to remember their babies and have other people remember them too. It’s a way of validating their life and death, and our own feelings of loss.

When a mother loses her baby, she may feel lost in her mother-ing. She is confused because she is a mum, she was pregnant, and now she has nothing to show for it. The grief of miscarriage is so hidden as a result .Giving a memory token to a mum who has lost a baby is so cherished because it helps solidify in her mind that you know: she is a mother whether her baby is here or not and whether the world recognizes it or not.

 

Do not give to the point of breaking down/poor boundaries/placing heavy or impossible burdens on your family. Give to the point of sacrificing comfort.

I don’t think I need to tell you the inspirational people we all know about who gave up comfort and replaced it with generosity and love.

5 Ways to Walk with a Friend through Miscarriage

*This is the first of a series of 5 posts I will doing on this subject*

Miscarriage seems to be an event in our society that is clouded in a hue of secrecy and confusion. Time and time again, I hear women share stories of their loss that are riddled with pain. I’m not talking about the pain of the miscarriage itself, although that is one giant weight in our chest for a long time, and in some ways forever.  I’m talking about the pain of having to endure a series of inappropriate comments and actions from the people around them as well as a sincere lack of good actions.  Not only does a family attempting to mentally and physically deal with the toll of losing a beloved child, they  also now have to navigate the murky waters of the unintentional thoughtlessness of some, AND, the silence/ inaction of others.

When people in our lives go through difficult times, it can often be hard to know what to do or what to say. What do they need? How much is too much? Will I be annoying? More often than not, the people going through the loss are not entirely certain as to what they need.  Many people in their 20-somethings or 30-somethings have not been through very many serious crises to know how to properly respond. Either it has not happened to us, or it has not happened to anyone we know.  We cannot know what we haven’t experienced. Common sense in all life experiences is built from exactly that…life experience.

Some people are naturally good at knowing what to say  and do in tough situations, others have to work at it more. People are awkward, situations are awkward. Sometimes in these intense times, there are a lot of awkward moments because emotions are high. And that is okay. We live, learn, and forgive . This past year was a difficult one for my family. One that included a miscarriage of our own. One thing I learned for sure during my difficult 2015 is that walking with someone through loss/suffering/crisis is a life skill. And like any skill, it is one that needs to be practiced with intention. For if we are to walk with people through life, experience heartache, joy,  peace, and loss, we have to learn how to be a good friend. This is the good stuff life is made of. 

Even though I have walked with many people through tough times, I learned infinitely more about being a good friend when it was my time to receive. To my shame, I have hurt people in the past during their time of devastation. It caused me and them pain.  I hope these tips helps you be the best version of yourself, and as such, you will be able to adequately be there for the people in your life who need that version.  

A guiding principle to follow when helping any friend through any crisis is: Be Intentional,  Ask, Offer, Don’t Bombard. You should adjust these suggestions I’m giving based on your friendship and the personality of your friend. For example, if your friend is more introverted maybe check in every few days, not every day. However, it should not change the quality of your love and care for her, and thats what I want to discuss in my series. So… adjust as needed 🙂

1. Be Intentional With Your Words

Don’t let your sympathy be left at “I’m sorry for your loss.” I know some people feel as though they are being invasive, or annoying if they offer something. You aren’t.   Alot of the time, people who have experienced loss don’t really know what they need other than love, comfort, and hope. But usually we know what we don’t need, so offer and we will tell you if the action etc is helpful.   Don’t be pushy, but rather, find a balance between offering yourself as a gift, and making it about you ( I learned this the hard way).Be willing to reasonably sacrifice your time, and be intentional. Make it easy for the person who is struggling to know you are there but don’t leave your love at a statement that really bears no fruit.  Here are some things you can say beyond that rehearsed line to make your sympathy known, and offer yourself without being overwhelming:

How are you doing today?

I love you.

Is there anything you need? I’m here for you. Don’t hesitate to ask me for anything.”

I want to be with you. I’m sorry I can’t be, but I love you and am with you in spirit.

” I want to bring you something. When is a good time? Check with husband? Great I will . I love you. Go back to bed.” (my favorite)

(in person).. just hugs and a simple “I’m sorry this is hard, I wish there was something I could do to stop this from happening”

“Are you thinking of naming the baby, and/or having a burial ceremony? Would you like me to research costs for you?”

” This is hard. We are with you during this hard time.”

” Your baby knew they were loved. That is so much.”

“We all wanted your baby. ” (man that one touched me so much, I might cry all over again..)

I don’t know what to say right now. But I’m here. I’m with you.

LESS GOOD THINGS TO SAY:

“You will get pregnant again soon. Don’t worry.” (no such thing as a replacement baby)

“Here are some maternity clothes for when you are pregnant the next time.”

“Well it wasn’t really a baby yet. “.. or as the doctor at the hospital said, ” If you are having a miscarriage, its because something is wrong with the baby. And you wouldn’t want that baby anyway.”

“Spontaneous abortion” as a way of describing miscarriage is like a dagger to the heart for girls who have had one. Why? Even though it is the correct medical term used today to describe miscarriage, abortion is an extremely negative word describing the intentional act of killing your baby. Therefore, using such a harsh word associated with intentional death, in the context of describing the agony of a very unintentional and unwanted death, is salt in the wound. As much as possible, do not use terms that link abortion and miscarriage any more than necessary. It would be like if your grandfather died, and someone said ” Ya.. that’s like spontaneous euthanasia”. Actually, not at all. Just because you have a dead body from each situation, it does not mean those situations are alike. So.. just don’t.

“At least you have some kids”

“When are you going to start trying again?” (Though well intentioned, perhaps let the girl experiencing the loss guide this kind of sharing. Asking this question too soon feels like a minimizing of the loss endured.)

“You were barely pregnant”

“Maybe it’s for the best”

AFTER THE MISCARRIAGE IS PHYSICALLY OVER:

Put really simply, still check in a week or two after.. even a month . All the above statements are still good. Alot of people forget that grief goes on for a while for many people. We will unpack this in another post.

I believe that people are good and have the best of intentions when saying all of these things. Referring to the awkwardness I talked about above, often times we say the wrong thing when trying to understand something that we are having a difficult time understanding.  Our life experience has not prepared us for this moment. I know I definitely have been that person. Let’s not dwell on that anymore, but simply seek to learn. This is not about blame, this is about learning a skill. If you can learn to walk with someone even through one crisis, you will be better the next time, and even better after that.

Forgive anyone in your life who has unintentionally hurt you. If you are a person reading this who has unintentionally said something untoward to someone, go and say sorry, or, just be better next time 🙂

ps. stay tuned for #2: What to Give

The Shades are black and white, people.

Okay, I know. There are about a million perspectives being written about the movie 50 Shades of Grey and how bad it is . And well..you caught me, I’m about to write another perspective. #SorryNotSorry

Some of the perspectives have included thoughts on whether or not 50 Shades of Grey is the quint-essential depiction of an abusive relationship. Many have said that Christian is manipulative, confusing, emotionally abusive by loving Ana and then pushing her away, not to mention the severe beatings and control he takes over her life. However, there does not seem to be a firm consensus on whether or not the film DOES indeed depict abuse, or if it is an erotic film containing much sexual deviance?

After reading many of these perspectives over the past couple days, I am still left wondering: HOW is it possible that one would be unsure about whether or not this relationship is abusive? Is it because she consented to it? Is it because the violence took place during sex, and somehow this is confusing to people? What is it exactly that makes one question the nature of this relationship?

The confusion and the subsequent normalization is created through the language used by the author. The language is used to make a horrific relationship seem normal, and blur the lines. The language is used to make a black and white issue, SEEM GREY. It is my belief that by even using the title, “50 Shades of Grey”, that the disturbed woman (and sick people who influenced him) who wrote it would like people to further to question the boundaries around sexual violence, abuse towards women, emotional manipulation, sex, love, and dignity. 

So…watch how the author achieves this:

She made the abuser beautiful.

She made the woman sexually vulnerable, unsure of what to expect and therefore willing to try anything (she was a virgin).

She made the violence occur during sex so it would look sexy, naked and intriguing. By introducing violence during sex, she kept the reader interested.. turning pages..Human beings are naturally intrigued by sex because of its intimacy. By coupling something so intimate, with something so violent, one begins to think that perhaps sometimes, violence IS loving.

By making the violence occur during an intimate time, she blurred the lines between intimacy and violence. The violence never occurred outside of the times they had sex. The message: violence is okay if it’s in the bedroom Violence is part of love. It’s not abusive if it’s during sex. (If the violence had even occurred ONCE outside of sex, there would be no discussion around the question of abuse.)

She blurred the lines of “what is abusive” by having her ‘consent’ to it, and stay. By introducing consent into the relationship, the author makes the reader believe that if  ‘consensual’ abuse occurs, is not abuse at all. her (and many readers) believe that because she consented, there was nothing wrong. (When was the last time you talked to someone who told you a situation that was confusing them, who after explaining a clearly unhealthy relationship was able to tell you IN THAT MOMENT, that they were in an abusive relationship? Last time I was in that situation (which was last week actually), the person was unable to see the unhealthiness of their relationship clearly. Why? This piece explains it perfectly: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

She made her confused. Not angry, not scared..just confused.

She blurred the lines between hero and abuser by allowing Ana to be wooed and abused at the same time. He saves her from being hit by a bike, he kisses her passionately. And then he hits her.

She made toying with someone look like its just part of being in a relationship. It’s okay to tell someone exactly what to eat, be extremely critical of someone’s life, buy them a computer specifically for the purposes of being able to contact them as long as you bring a nice gift after to make up for it, right?

She did not plant any truth-speaking friends in Ana’s life. At no point in time (based on the description), did any of Ana’s friends encourage her to get out of her relationship with Christian. The author had NOONE in her life encouraging her to leave. This leaves much room for her to normalize the relationship between Christian and Ana without rebuke, and secondly, gives the reader the impression that if no one is questioning the relationship, then it must be okay. It couldn’t possibly be that she had surrounded herself with weak-minded people?

There is a scene shortly after Christian and Anastasia meet, where Ana expresses that she does not feel beautiful enough for Christian to be interested in her. What an interesting platform for this relationship, and actually so accurate to a real abusive relationship. Generally speaking, women in abusive relationships genuinely do not believe that they deserve better. As such, they believe that if they continue to try hard to create intimacy in their relationship, the abuser will change, or the abuse will stop (ps. they don’t call it abuse- it’s usually called hitting, or deserved punishment for bad behaviour.)

This is NOT a GREY issue. By definition, the color grey is defined as a neutral color between black and white. Are we to become neutral (sometimes i feel like saying neutered instead of neutral) on abuse as well? Heaven knows that we have become neutral on all sorts of things today that  should EVER be neutral about. Are we willing to throw abuse against women into the mix as well? 

I do not present these arguments or these questions to you as rhetorical. I literally mean that you have opportunities in your life to do something to stop this movie, and to stop abusive. Here are a few very short suggestions:

1) Do not buy, watch or encourage others to buy or watch this movie/book.

2) You may sign this petition to boycott the movie: https://actright.com/petition/122

3) Speak to women and men in your life who are in broken relationships. Talk to them, encourage them, walk with them.

It’s actually very interesting and horrific. IF the author wanted to depict the realities of an abusive relationship, she did a bang up job. The fact that she did so to make money, under the guise of sexy and NBD, makes HER BOOK abusive to women. So congratulations, E.L James, your book and now movie is in and of itself an abuse to women. You are now preying on young, vulnerable women, NOT Christian. You are now teaching them to stay, NOT CHRISTIAN. You will be held responsible one day for making the world ONE MORE deeper shade of grey and making it a more confusing place for my children.

As a mother, I am angry at you. As a human being, I feel sad for you, and will pray for your soul.

A balanced, description of the book can be read here: http://www.thebookspoiler.com/Spoilers/50Shades.html 

Unfortunately, there is no way to write a description of the book without being graphic unless you want it to be completely innacurate like I did above. So please read the description with caution as it is disturbing.

What is your child learning in their Ottawa Catholic School?

“My teacher said the Catholic Church has changed its teaching about masturbation. They say it’s healthy now.”

A sweet high school girl said this to me after hearing a chastity talk at her school. She wasn’t trying to get a laugh from her classmates. She was genuinely confused.

My little sister came home from school one day with a similar story. Her religion teacher had told his class about the time he and his 3-year old daughter saw a same-sex couple at the mall and he took the opportunity to teach his daughter that same-sex unions are good.

The problem is not simply a few rogue teachers. Actually at this point, the “rogue” teachers are the ones who do present the truth.

I’ve personally talked with teachers who have been reprimanded for bringing students to the March for Life, for presenting authentic Church teaching about sexuality, and for even having too many Christian posters on the walls of their religion classrooms.

Why?

The school board is greatly influenced by parent feedback, and right now the loudest voices are the liberal ones.

When misguided parents complain about their kids being taken away to the March for Life, the school board concludes that everyone wants ‘Cafeteria Catholicism’. So they oppose faithful teachers and support the politically correct ones.

That is the situation we are facing. More specifically, that is the world your child is facing every day at school.

Here are 3 things you can do about this:

1. Give feedback to the teachers and to the school board: You can contact the school board from their religion department page .) Build a positive relationship with them by thanking them every time a Mass is celebrated at school, a canned food drive is organized, and definitely if your child is taken to the March for Life. They’ll be more willing to hear you out when they’re considering inviting a pro-choice guest speaker.

2. Suggest great resources for the classroom.

3. Become more influential by joining the school’s parent council, the School Board Parent Association, or by supporting PAFE.

 

 

Submitted anonymously to Mama Activist by a fellow concerned mama.